Dear Inner Self (A Fiction Letter)

I am finally able to check on you, my true self. The confrontation between the two of us was timely, and I’m glad you’re finally able to tell me what’s going on even if I already have an idea about it beforehand.

As much as possible, I know you enter the classroom with a mind full of things you learned from the handouts your teachers give you. You’re the kind of person who makes sure that you did not just memorize facts and concepts; you make sure you understand these by heart because acquiring knowledge has always been a pleasure to you. But I also know that after acing all your exams and going up the stage many times to get certificates and awards, one of your teachers remember the one who gave her pasalubong after sem break.

Ah, we also talked about sem break and the pain you feel whenever you come back home. You said that the last people you want to be disappointed are your parents. Together with relatives, I’ve seen everyone require you to maintain above average grades and your scholarship. They have high expectations of you. However, I was only able to understand you fully when you said that meeting their expectations would mean studying very hard till the morning because internalizing five chapters in one night is no joke. I was there when you got depressed when you’re too tired, went binge-eating when stressed, buy facial soap when pimples appeared, and broke down when you felt lost along the process. But I was not really there when the first few things your parents did upon your arrival in the airport was to ask about your weight, tell you that you got fatter, and talk about your brother’s achievements in UP Diliman.

You always try to be a true friend, true self. You know you do. You give time to the people you love, despite the day’s demands. You give your constant support and understanding through their life journeys – through the uphill climb, inner battles, wrong detours, and painful falls. Because you love them, as much as possible, you don’t want to see them hurt by other people or worse, by themselves. But your best friend said that the one mistake you did not mean to commit is heavier than the six years of friendship. But your friend chose to highlight a lapse. And you end up paying the price of losing someone priceless without befriending yourself.

You still have real friends, don’t worry. Oh boy, those people are worth the keeps. You have special moments with them – late night stargazing, heart to heart talks, and dancing together. But I also know about the matters of your heart. You like one of them. You can write more than the number of Shakespeare’s sonnets for him, but at the same time, you come in full acceptance that you cannot sing well. I’m amazed that you would go as far as inviting him to Watever KTV to sing songs for two (because love is, um, about taking risks). But he chose to be latched with someone who can sing. And you are now catching his eyes looking at her. And you are also catching yourself listening to Sam Smith songs, loving him, and saying the unsaid words from a distance.

True self, I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to check on you earlier. I abused your strength. Thank God you’re still trying to survive in an insane and unfair world. This time, I promise we’ll be on the same page of always remembering our worth.

You might still be asking for masks, but it’s all right – you’ll be okay. All I can say for now to make you feel better is for you to look at the rose petals instead of the thorns. Look at the other teachers you look up to, your little brother who just wants a hug from you and nothing else,  your real friends who would say that it’s your crush’s loss, not yours, and Ed Sheeran.

The Outer Self

Note to my inner self: Thank you for allowing me to submit this letter to get published. I’m sorry (again) if I didn’t check on you earlier. Live on to see more rainbows.

BY: Andrea D. Lim
Bringing Dead Lines toLife

Note to my inner self: Thank you for allowing me to submit this letter to get published. I’m sorry (again) if I didn’t check on you earlier. Live on to see more rainbows.

Leave a comment below

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: