The Weekly Horrorscope: Know what the stars say about you and your horrific future.

Warning: The predictions you will be reading are very accurate, according to Madam Auring. If you don’t have the guts to accept what lies ahead of you, you may now flip to back page.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): You are already feeling the pressure of the finals week because of all the deadlines you have to beat. But don’t you worry, don’t you worry child, everyone’s feeling the same way too. A meteorite with special properties will soon fall on top of your head and make your head larger than an SU portal’s head. Your intellectual ability will increase, but due to your massive cranium, it will be hard for you to look for a suitable mate in the near future. Your lucky number is 12, and lucky color is brain-pink.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): You want to be billionaire, so freakin’ bad, to buy all the things you never had. Cheers to that, because at the end of the day, you will receive a text message from Philippine Charity Sweepstakes saying that you won the 295 million peso grand lotto prize. You will send your details right away and tomorrow, you will be bankrupt. Congrats to you! Your lucky number is 645, and lucky color is greedy-green.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21): You have striven all your life to finish school and a get a decent job. Congratulations! Now you don’t have to do that anymore. After reading this prediction, you will fail all your subjects except for PEP and NSTP, and will not graduate ‘til 2020. You will always blame your fate and say, “it’s the fault in my stars.” You have no lucky number, and no lucky color.

Cancer (June 22 – Jul. 22): You’ll find love soon. However, it will not last long and it will leave you scarred and a crying bawling mess. You’ll abandon human kind and live inside a cave. Your lucky number is 6 and lucky color is bitter-blue.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, lady luck is with you for the day. Your crush will finally notice you and your Daniel Padilla inspired hairstyle. You will be so lucky today that your friends just can’t help but sing, “Na sayo na ang lahat.” But beware of the envious and pathetic Gemini. You can’t trust him until you change your hairstyle.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You are young, wild, and free. But always remember, don’t get drunk and don’t smoke weed. I know you’re just having fun and doesn’t care who sees, just don’t go out today because you will be losing something; trust me. Your lucky number is 69 and lucky color is papaya whip.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23): You’re insecure, don’t know what for. You turn your head when you walk through door. And because of this, you’ll stumble and fall. But you keep cruising, can’t stop, won’t stop moving, in your mind saying it’s gonna be alright. And so you’ll still gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. Your lucky number 123 and lucky color is moccasin.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): This is a not-so-lucky day for you. Avoid conversing with anyone. You might get into a big fight because someone will talk dirty to you. You’ll get offended and would say, “Why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human too?” Your lucky number is 0 and lucky color is fire brick.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will shine bright like a diamond. Because of that, you will find love in a hopeless place. But you did not know he was trouble when he walked in, so you’ll end up lying on a cold hard ground and tell him, “We, are never ever ever, getting back together.” Your lucky number is 22, and lucky color is old lace.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): When you drink, don’t drive. When you drive, don’t drink. You might crash your car into the bridge and just watch it burn. Remember, even the best fall down sometimes. Never forget, you’re not a bird, you’re not a plane, and you’re not Superman. Your lucky number is 8 and lucky color is amethyst.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 Feb. 18): Stay away from swimming pools. You’re on your magical mystery ride. You’ll feel dizzy, but you’ll feel alright. You’ll realize that your head’s under water, so you’d wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. You’re lucky number is 1, and lucky color is corn silk.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): You will be a walking disaster starting today. You will come in like a wrecking ball and ruin this Friday night like Rebecca Black. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards. You don’t want the weekend to end because you’re partyin’, partyin’, fun, fun, fun, fun. You don’t have a lucky color and number.

For the birthday celebrants: Today is Friday, October 3 and it’s your birthday. Happy Birthday!

By Kimberly V. Limpahan

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